The Road Not Taken–a Marriage Metaphor

Autumn Path

Recently a group of young parents asked me and my husband, “How do you keep your marriage strong–especially in the second decade?”  This followed closely behind the question, “How did you teach your kids financial responsibility?”  It’s so cute that they thought we did either of those things very well.

I’m an English major, thus weird about things such as actually liking literature.  I even enjoy reading poetry too.  Are poets even a thing anymore?  They used to be the soul of the culture.  Now, I guess we have Lady Gaga, so…  For an English major I can sure get off topic quickly.

Anyway, one of my all time favorites is The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.  You can scroll past if you’re gagging.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 
And sorry I could not travel both 
And be one traveler, long I stood 
And looked down one as far as I could 
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 
Then took the other, as just as fair, 
And having perhaps the better claim, 
Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 
Though as for that the passing there 
Had worn them really about the same, 
And both that morning equally lay 
In leaves no step had trodden black. 
Oh, I kept the first for another day! 
Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 
I doubted if I should ever come back. 
I shall be telling this with a sigh 
Somewhere ages and ages hence: 
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 
I took the one less traveled by, 
And that has made all the difference.

 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…That is the problem.  At least when it comes to marriage.

We have had some rocky patches in the past 22 years, to be sure. But when discussing our marriage, the metaphor I used was walking on a path.  When our marriage is happy and close we are walking on the same path.  We are facing one life together, with the same goals and challenges, hand in hand.

But there are times we have found ourselves walking on two paths.  Parallel paths, mind you–both trying to get to the same place (Happy Future), both pointed in the same direction.  But there’s enough distance between us that we aren’t quite unified. There’s a hedge or a ditch or maybe even a barbed-wire fence in between.

So it is easier to remain separate.  And it’s also very easy to justify staying a bit disjointed because after all, we are both going in the same direction (Happy Future!).  Hopefully somewhere down the lane there will be a break in the hedge, a miraculous bridge over the ditch, or a gate in the fence and we can reunite then. Don’t you think your marriage is too important to hope it’ll get fixed on your next anniversary getaway, Valentine’s Day or church marriage conference?  Plus it’s too painful, day in and day out to settle for holding hands over a barbed wire fence.  Your shoulder starts to cramp up and then there’s the barbs.

But trouble really sets in when we discover that our paths have now begun to diverge in this yellow wood of life. His path has turned toward work, deadlines, finances, volunteering, meetings, stress, and more responsibilities than he has time in the day to fulfill.  And “perhaps” my path has curved in the direction of my concerns: the kids, the kids’ schedules, the kids’ futures, the kids’ relationships, the kids’ health, buying the kids’ food, cooking the kids’ meals…

I actually firmly believe that obsessing like that over the kids is not a healthy way to be a mom, so that was a bit of an exaggeration. But maybe that’s what some other moms are doing?  What I really obsess over is what happens next in the Harry Potter series I’m finally reading. And when the temperature is going to break 70 degrees.

Nevertheless, my husband is not the parent primarily concerned with the kids’ stuff and he’s certainly not in the leastwise concerned about Hogwarts.  And I’m not really “up on” syntax, data mining, legacy codes or system analysis.  So I don’t particularly like his path.  He doesn’t have the luxury to hop over to mine.  Because money.

If we continue down our individual ways for long, it becomes increasingly difficult to merge.   You can’t even see each other after a while!  You aren’t heading toward Happy Future any longer. Then what?

There are really only two options and neither one is convenient. And both are time consuming.  And really difficult. And chances are you got into this mess because when the yellow wood of life got super busy and super stressful it was simply more convenient and faster and easier to stop investing in your marriage and lazily let your paths diverge.

But at this point, this far apart, the only two options for your marriage are:

Option 1. Grab your axe and start hacking your way toward each other through the woods.  This involves thorns and scratches and an axe, so I highly discourage this option.

Option 2. Retreat. Go back (maybe way back) to where your paths diverged.  Humbly meet back there, find out (through talking!) what made you start going it alone. Probably this will involve a date night. Maybe a series of date nights. Maybe a few evenings up past midnight talking on the couch.  But it’s crucial.

Why?  In our marriage we are motivated to do this work for a lot of big reasons. But also because we remember how much easier and happier life is together. Think about the challenges that would have been unbearable without each other.  Become determined to stay close from now on.  We don’t want a mediocre marriage. And neither do you.

And the one thing that helps prevent us from diverging in the future is having something in common.  It’s really easy after a while to discover that the only thing you share any more is the kids. And also a bathroom. But what about the things you love in life?  Find something you can love together. Every couple is different.  Maybe it will involve reading or exercise or hobbies or travel or volunteering or taking a class or binge-watching Netflix. Whatever works for you–don’t let yourselves stop having something to look forward to doing together.  And put it on the calendar if you have to.

So take The Road Not Taken by so many hurting couples.  Investing in your marriage may seem inconvenient, time consuming and difficult at first.  But it beats the axe.  When you’ve gotten back on the same path: forgive, hug, hold hands and get a move on. Happy Future is waiting for you.

Kiev Mall

Look! Here our shared path recently led us to an underground mall in Kiev, Ukraine!

Where You Belong–Thoughts on Genesis 15

 FullSizeRender.jpgI was reading this chapter this morning as part of my daily reading plan. I love this chapter. I love how at the very start of human history faith is what saves us. And how one second after Abraham’s belief is counted to him as righteousness, he questions God with a doubtful, “How can I know it’s true?” And how God’s gracious response to that ever-present human tendency toward doubt is He makes a covenant with Himself while the recipient sleeps. It’s all Him.
But something jumped out at me that I hadn’t noticed before.  After Abraham, the father of the faithful, who was just counted righteous for believing God and then in the next breath says, “Prove it.” After that, God answers him:
“I am the LORD who brought you out…”
When I read those words I don’t associate them with Abraham.  I recall Moses and Israel and the great Exodus from Egypt.  Deliverance from slavery through the wilderness and eventually triumphal entry into the Promised Land.  And an annual Passover to NEVER EVER FORGET, “I am the LORD who brought you out…”
But here we are, hundreds of years before that great Bringing Out, and God is telling Abraham the same thing.  It’s all ultimately His story into which He invited Abraham.  And Abraham’s chapter– it started way back when when God brought Abraham out.
And I thought, that’s just like God, always bringing His people out.  Out from bondage. Out from sin. Out from loneliness. Out from fear.  Out from wherever we don’t belong and leading us into wherever we do belong.
And how can I not also think of our two new boys? They too are being led out and being led in.  This ancient story is made new for their lives.  Everything familiar is in the rearview.  But the future, where God is leading them, as difficult and scary as it may be, is love, and family, heritage and belonging.
And for all of us, it is beneficial to stop once in awhile and look back. Look at our history. We’ve been brought out from someplace and been brought into someplace.  Do we see the hand of God in our bringing out?  Do we trust Him as He is writing us into His Great Story?  Even if at this moment we are in a wilderness?  His story is a story of deliverance. Always delivering. Always moving each of us to where we ultimately belong.

Genesis 15 English Standard Version

God’s Covenant with Abram

1 After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Fear not, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great.” But Abram said, “O Lord God, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?”And Abram said, “Behold, you have given me no offspring, and a member of my household will be my heir.” And behold, the word of the Lord came to him: “This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir.” And he brought him outside and said, “Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness.

And he said to him, “I am the Lord who brought you out from Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to possess.” But he said, “O Lord God, how am I to know that I shall possess it?” He said to him, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a female goat three years old, a ram three years old, a turtledove, and a young pigeon.” 10 And he brought him all these, cut them in half, and laid each half over against the other. But he did not cut the birds in half. 11 And when birds of prey came down on the carcasses, Abram drove them away.

12 As the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell on Abram. And behold, dreadful and great darkness fell upon him. 13 Then the Lord said to Abram, “Know for certain that your offspring will be sojourners in a land that is not theirs and will be servants there, and they will be afflicted for four hundred years. 14 But I will bring judgment on the nation that they serve, and afterward they shall come out with great possessions. 15 As for you, you shall go to your fathers in peace; you shall be buried in a good old age. 16 And they shall come back here in the fourth generation, for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet complete.”

17 When the sun had gone down and it was dark, behold, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch passed between these pieces. 18 On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram, saying, “To your offspring I give[c] this land, from the river of Egypt to the great river, the river Euphrates, 19 the land of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites, 20 the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Rephaim, 21 the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Girgashites and the Jebusites.”